


Where Do You Run (I Run to You)

by Reydar



Category: Power Rangers, Power Rangers (2017)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 06:52:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11435472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reydar/pseuds/Reydar
Summary: An observation, a question, and a lie.These probably aren’t the three most important events that occur during second period the day before finals, but at the moment Trini’s biology grade is the last thing on her mind.~~The Rangers look to each other to cope.





	Where Do You Run (I Run to You)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a continuation of my other work Too Close. It's not exactly a prerequisite, but some things make a lot more sense after reading it, so I recommend giving it a look. It's a 2,000 word one-shot, nothing too extreme.
> 
> I tried to explore a few pairings we don't see too often, so let me know what you think!
> 
> (The title is from a song by The Score called Where Do You Run)

An observation, a question, and a lie.

These probably aren’t the three most important events that occur during second period the day before finals, but at the moment Trini’s biology grade is the last thing on her mind.

Kim’s phone buzzes from her nightstand. It takes her four minutes to gather the energy to pick it up and when she does, she sees a picture from Trini. There’s a crudely drawn stick figure sitting at Kim’s empty desk in their biology classroom with a question mark next to it. Kim sighs.

Trini’s phone vibrates on her thigh.

..

Kim 8:37 am

_Sick_

..

Trini stares at the message until the screen fades to black. It’s been a while since Kim lied to her.

Kim would be mad at herself if she wasn’t so tired. In fact, she’d be a lot of things if she wasn’t so tired, a better student and a better girlfriend just to name a couple. But when this happens, getting out of bed feels like climbing a mountain and going to school feels impossible, so she settles for the lie and rolls over.

It was nice of her depression to wait until today to make another appearance. Her parents’ work schedules just changed and now they won’t get home until well after the sun goes down, so in the late afternoon when the automated message comes from the school telling them she’d missed classes she easily erases it off the machine. _Silver lining_ , she thinks as she gets rid of the evidence with a touch of a button. Kim is anything but an optimist, but despite her efforts Jason is starting to rub off on her. The bed is still warm when she crawls back into it.

“I think your neighbor across the street saw me jump onto your balcony.”

Kim startles at the sound, suddenly aware that she had fallen asleep again. She blinks twice and registers Trini closing the sliding glass door.

“Was he really tall with a beard?” Kim asks.

“Yeah.”

“Don’t worry. He thought I was a boy for fifteen years, he’s not the most observant tool in the shed,” Kim says.

“I don’t think that’s the saying.”

“Whatever. What’s in the bag?” Kim notices the bunched up plastic in Trini’s left hand.

Trini reaches into it. “It’s chicken soup for your fake flu,” she says, tossing the can at Kim’s head.

Kim narrowly avoids a concussion solely because of her Ranger training, as her brain is still stuck on Trini’s words. She sets the can down on her nightstand. “Fake flu?” She repeats.

“You’re not actually sick, are you?” Trini hasn’t moved any further into the room.

 _Not with the flu,_ Kim thinks. “How did you know?”

“I can snap my leg in half and it will heal in two days. I doubt a little bacteria can stop us,” Trini explains. “Can I come in?”

“Normally people start with that,” Kim says, but they both know Trini isn’t talking about the room. Kim sits up just a little and moves over, and in response Trini kicks off her shoes and joins her.

Trini sits up straight enough so she can wrap an arm around Kim’s shoulders, and she’ll never say it out loud but Kim finds the role reversal comforting.

“What’s wrong?” Trini asks.

Kim watches the shadows in her room get longer, then avoids the question. “I’m sorry I lied to you.”

“Kim, I’m not mad. I just want to make sure you’re okay. Have you left your bed at all today?”

“Only to erase the message from school saying I skipped class.”

“So your parents don’t know about this?” Trini asks.

“God no,” Kim says. She learned her lesson last time.

  


_“Honey, you just need to get out and DO something!”_

_“Boy, what an ingenious solution. How much do I owe you for that one, Doc?”_

_“Kim, happiness is a choice—”_

_“Actually mother, it’s a chemical. And my brain is really shitty at making it.”_

_“Really? You’re swearing at me now?”_

_“Yes because everything is about YOU isn’t it?”_

_  
_

Needless to say that conversation didn’t end well.

“So what did they say when your car was still in the driveway when they left for work?” Trini asks, bringing Kim’s thoughts back to the present.

“I left them a note before school. Told them I got a ride with a friend,” Kim says.

“And they didn’t check your room or anything?”

“No? Why would they?”

Trini scoffs. “My mom would.”

Kim puffs out a laugh through her nose and rests her head on Trini’s shoulder. She doesn’t want to talk about this. She would honestly rather get slapped by the Megazord than feel this empty and try to explain her messed up brain to Trini. And Kim has no idea what she did to get so lucky because it seems like Trini understands that already.

“We don’t have to talk,” she says. It’s hardly above a whisper but it nearly knocks the wind out of Kimberly.

She doesn’t know what to say so she kisses Trini’s cheek instead. “I’m sorry,” Kim says without eye contact.

“It’s okay.”

There are too many unspoken words between them.

“Have you eaten?” Trini asks after a beat of silence. Kim shakes her head and in three seconds Trini is on her way downstairs with the can of soup in her hand.

“Did the boys ask where I was today?” Kim says later, as she sets the empty bowl on her nightstand and curls back into Trini’s side.

“Yeah, I told them what you told me,” Trini replies, “but I think they came to the same conclusion.”

“Stupid Ranger healing,” Kim mutters. “What a snitch.”

Over time they slide further under the covers until the sun falls below the horizon and they’re wrapped around each other like vines. They take turns falling in and out of consciousness, soft fingers grazing over uncovered areas of skin, exchanging quiet ‘I love you’s only when one is sure the other can’t hear.

“When are your parents getting home?” Trini says, prompted by the headlights that shine through the window.

Kim finds the clock on her nightstand that reads just past ten o’clock. “That’s probably them,” she says. Her suspicion is affirmed when they hear the garage door open from downstairs.

“I should head home,” Trini says.

“Yeah,” Kim says, as neither of them make an attempt to move.

It takes a couple more minutes but as the noises get louder downstairs Trini eventually untangles herself to put her shoes on.

“Are your parents going to ask where you were?” Kim asks. The real question: Do you feel comfortable telling your parents the truth?

“Don’t worry, I’m a better liar than you are,” Trini says. The real answer: Not yet.

 “Do you need a ride?” Kim asks.

“It’s okay, I’ll walk. That way you don’t have to talk to your parents,” Trini answers.

Kim swings her legs off the bed and watches Trini lace up her shoes. “You’re too good to me,” she says.

“Only because you’re a good kisser,” Trini says. Kim can’t help the dumb smile on her face and as if to prove her point, Trini steps forward and kisses her. “Goodnight, Kim.”

“Text me when you get home.”

“Always.” Trini slides the glass door open and turns back. “Do people walk around in your neighborhood after dark?” She asks.

“Most of them are super old, so no.”

“Sweet.” Trini turns and Ranger-leaps off the balcony, probably landing a street or two over. It brings a smile to Kim’s face. Twenty minutes later her phone buzzes.

..

Trini 10:43 pm

_I’m home_

_.._

Kim 10:45 pm

_Thank you. For today_

..

Trini 10:45 pm

_Yeah spending time with my beautiful girlfriend is torture, I really took a bullet for you_

..

Kim 10:45 pm

_I was serious but whatever_

..

Kim 10:46 pm

_I needed you_

..

Trini 10:46 pm

_I know. I just meant you don’t have to thank me for being there. I’m always gonna be there_

_.._

Trini 10:48 pm

_I know about keeping secrets, believe me. I know they keep you safe. But if you ever want to talk to me you can. Nothing I can learn is gonna make a difference, remember?_

..

Kim 10:49 pm

_I remember. And no more stealing my lines, I worked hard on that one_

..

 

  


~~

 

  


“Trini, you just finished your last final of junior year and are officially done with school for eighty-four days, where are you going to go next?” Billy holds the imaginary microphone in front of her face as they walk out of the school.

“The pit. Because Jason is making us train,” Trini says, deflated.

“Evil doesn’t care about summer break guys, we have to be ready no matter what,” Jason defends.

“Yes sir, commander sir,” Trini mock salutes and Kim has to bite back a laugh.

Her comments must have had some effect however, because Jason ends up cutting it short. It’s not the first time he’s done this, but today feels different than times before, only because Jason doesn’t offer up a reason. There’s no “I have a project to finish before tomorrow,” or “My sister needs a ride home from school” or even the flimsy, “It’s my turn to cook dinner tonight,” to which Kim responded, “Jason we all you know can’t cook. Zack had to teach you what a skillet was.” This time, Jason only says, “That’s enough guys, you can go home,” before disappearing into the ship.

“Something’s wrong with him,” Billy says.

“Definitely,” Kim agrees, “But I have plans with my parents tonight, I really have to go.”

“And I was going to help Zack with the lights in his house before it gets dark,” Billy says, and Zack confirms.

They look at Trini expectantly.

“Fine, I’ll do it,” she says.

“Thank you,” Kim places a kiss on her head and follows the boys up through the water.

Trini waits for Jason and they jump together onto the cliff. Jason still hasn’t said anything so just in case this is her fault she apologizes for her earlier sarcasm.

“I’m not that delicate, Trini,” Jason laughs at the top of the cliff.

“Okay fine, apology revoked. And if it’s not that then why are you being weird?”

“I’m not being weird.”

“It’s been five whole minutes since Billy left and you haven’t even tried to follow him. That’s weird,” Trini says.

“One, I don’t _follow_ him. Two, he went to help Zack fix some electrical problem or something. And three, you’re actually talking to me, which is weird,” Jason explains.

Trini rolls her eyes. “Please, I know an avoidance tactic when I see one. Why are you stalling?”

Jason adjusts his backpack strap on his shoulder and turns ever so slightly away from her. “You don’t have to do this,” he says.

“Do what?”

“I don’t know, this,” he makes a vague gesture, “talk with me about my life. I know you probably have other things you’d rather be doing.”

“Kim has plans with her parents,” she says, and when Jason’s eyebrows shoot to the sky and he starts to smile she continues before he can say anything, “That came out wrong—I didn’t mean—Anyway I know I come off as a distant hard-ass but I actually do care about you. You do remember that time I said I would die for you, right?”

Jason feels the weight of Billy’s lifeless body on his shoulders. “Hard to forget,” he says.

“So spill.”

Jason sighs, giving in. “I cut it short because my dad wants me to get home.”

“He says as he takes his backpack off and sits down,” Trini narrates his movements to highlight the contradiction.

“Are you going to listen or not?” Jason says, a little snappier than he meant to, but it gets the response he was looking for.

“Right, sorry,” Trini says, sitting next to him and dangling her feet off the cliff.

The sun drops a noticeable amount before the silence breaks.

“I think my dad might know I’m a Ranger,” Jason says. He tosses a pebble off the edge but neither of them hear it hit the water. “It’s my fault, really. I saved his life. Didn’t even try to change my voice or anything,” he pauses again, thinking. “I should have done an accent.”

“Your Australian one? No, that’s terrible,” Trini says.

“What’re you talkin’ about, mate?”

“NO. Jason I swear to God I’ll leave,” Trini says, but her laugh makes it lose most of its punch.

Jason smiles. “Alright, fine. It’s not the best,” he concedes.

Trini bounces her heels off the cliff wall and studies the shadows on the other side. “So what if your dad knows?” She says, knowing damn well how secrets and parents don’t mix. She tosses that aside now, for Jason’s sake. “I mean, apart from the whole ‘you must never reveal your identities’ thing. Has Zordon ever seen a superhero movie? That never works.”

Jason’s brain is so determined to squash down his own feelings that he spends a solid minute deciding that Zordon probably doesn’t even know what a movie is. And Jason wants to waste more time thinking about if Alpha 5 knows what a movie is, and if he does then how, and what his favorite one is, but he’s already committed to this, and if his years as quarterback have taught him anything it’s that once you make a decision you better follow through.

“My dad’s always had these crazy expectations for me, pretty much ever since I learned how to throw a ball. And it never used to bother me until it started to feel like he was running my life more than I was. So I started doing stupid things, not because I thought it was cool, I knew I was making mistakes. But they were my mistakes, you know? I was finally in control of something,” he sighs, “But if he knows I’m a Ranger, then it just adds another layer of expectation,” Jason throws another pebble across the chasm. It slams off the opposing rock face and falls to the bottom.

Jason lets go of a deep breath. “Lately I’ve been realizing that the person he wants me to be and the person I want to be aren’t the same thing, and I don’t know how to tell him,” he says.

“I know the feeling,” Trini says. They share a look that means more than either of them can comprehend right now.

Trini presses the heels of her hands onto the cliff edge, and taps the wall with her fingers. “I thought being a Ranger was going to change things. I thought the awkward family dinners and all my parents’ dumb expectations weren’t going to matter anymore, because hey, I’m a superhero. But really it’s just another thing we can’t talk about,” she says.

The late shift has started at the mine. They hear distant sounds of starting engines as they let the silence between them soak in for a while. The team has been coming up here for months now, and Trini thinks it’s only a matter of time before somebody catches them hanging out on private property. But for now, this cliff is theirs.

“I don’t know how much longer I can pretend I was born for this,” Jason says suddenly.

“Born for what?”

“The responsibility, the leader, the Red Ranger,” he admits, “I don’t know if you can tell but I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“Well you fooled me,” Trini says.

Jason shakes his head. “This part is easy. This is just waiting. But if Rita comes back, or something worse—I mean, we destroyed our entire town last time, it’ll take years to rebuild it. We barely made it out alive, and so many innocent people got caught in the crossfire.”

“Yeah, and the whole world would be destroyed right now if we didn’t stop it. We did our best, Jason. We had eleven days to train and just learned how to morph like, that morning. Cut yourself some slack,” Trini says.

Jason is completely still for the first time that afternoon. “It’s just that every time I think about what’s coming and the choices I’m going to have to make, I keep seeing Billy on the docks that night,” he says. “I have a feeling that bringing him back to life is the type of miracle that only happens once, so if I mess up like that again, people die. You guys—you guys could die.”

“Rita came for me that night, not you,” her eyes grab his and don’t let go, “I was the weak spot, and she knew it. I played right into her trap and I got Billy killed.”

“No you didn’t—”

“I didn’t have to say anything. If I didn’t tell you guys where she was she would have just been waiting by the stupid dead ships until morning and nobody would have gotten hurt,” Trini says.

“She came into your house, Trini, you had to do something.”

“I should have been stronger.”

“You did everything you could.”

“Yeah,” Trini sighs, “So did you.”

Jason looks away from her and takes a second to breathe. A drill starts up in the distance and it causes a flock of faraway birds to vacate their tree.

“Do you really think it was your fault?” Jason asks.

“Do you really think it was yours?” Trini counters. She takes a deep breath in through her nose and lets it out through her mouth. “It took me a long time to really understand it, but we’re a team Jason. We win or lose together.”

Jason watches the sun dip lower in the sky. “I really should get home,” he says eventually.

“I’ll walk with you,” Trini says, standing up. “And if you ever want me to come knock some sense into your dad, just let me know.”

 

  


~~

 

  


“Thanks for helping me out Billy,” Zack says, “Honestly I didn’t even know if you knew anything about electrical wiring—”

“I didn’t.”

“What? Then what have we been doing for the last hour?”

“I mean I didn’t until last night,” Billy clarifies, “you asked me if I could help so I did some research. I wouldn’t say I’m an expert but don’t worry I definitely know what—”

An intense vibration shoots up through his arm so fiercely he can feel it in his teeth. He quickly lets go of the exposed wire he accidentally grabbed onto but the pain must register on his face because Zack pipes up immediately.

“Billy! Dude, what happened?”

Billy recovers slowly, opening and closing his fingers into a fist as the feeling comes back. “That was a mistake. Don’t touch that,” he points to the wire.

“Yeah, no kidding,” Zack laughs.

“I know what I’m doing,” Billy finishes his earlier sentence.

“I know you do. Just don’t be stupid anymore. If anything happens to you the other three might disown me,” Zack says.

Billy laughs. “Okay I won’t be stupid.”

He means it, and goes back to rewiring Zack’s kitchen lights with no small amount of mumbling to himself. At this point it’s really more of a one man job, and all Zack can do is sit on the counter and watch.

“This one here, that one there. That—that is definitely in the wrong place,” he turns to Zack, “How did this get so messed up?”

Zack drags his fingers across the back of his neck. “I may have tried to fix it myself before I asked you.”

“You did a terrible job.”

“I’m aware.”

Billy laughs. “Well I fixed it,” he says proudly. “All that’s left is to cover the wires back up. I’m going to leave that to you.”

“No problem dude, I can’t thank you enough.”

 Zack almost can’t believe it worked, and flips the light switch on and off every three seconds just to make sure he’s not dreaming. He told Billy it’s only been like this for a day or two, but honestly he’s been living without kitchen lights for over a month now. Zack had been trying to fix it himself the whole time, only getting more and more frustrated with every accidental shock. Sure, he can jump over buildings and punch holes through walls, but asking for help? That takes a lot more effort.

After some convincing, Billy stays and lets Zack make some food as a thank you. He pretends to have options as he looks through his cabinets, but Zack has little in the way of food at the moment. His eyes skim over the expensive new bottle of pills on the shelf and he stifles a sigh. He leans forward slightly, hiding his face behind the cabinet door and closes his eyes. _One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time,_ he thinks.

When they finish Zack checks in on his mom. “Did you finish your book?” He asks when he sees her sitting up looking out the window.

“No, eyes got tired,” she says.

Zack sits on the edge of her bed. “How are you feeling?”

She smiles. “I think I’ll take an early night tonight,” she says, which is code for not good.

Zack nods, because what else can he do? His mother reaches out a hand and pulls him close, placing a kiss on his forehead.

“Mind if we relocate? She’s going to hit the hay,” Zack says as he returns to the kitchen.

“Where were you thinking?” Billy asks.

It’s a decent walk to the abandoned train car, and the sun is well below the horizon by the time they jump on top of it.

“How’s she doing?” Billy asks, metal cool against his back. When Zack doesn’t say anything Billy turns his head to look at him.

“Some days are better than others,” Zack says quietly.

Billy looks back to the sky. “You can see a lot more stars from here. There’s so many streetlights in my neighborhood, I never get to see this many,” he says. “I like how quiet it is out here.”

“I hate it,” Zack says, and for a while he thinks Billy might not respond, but he does.

“Why?”

A few breaths in and out separate the question from the answer. “It reminds me of how little I have left,” he says eventually.

Billy hesitates before asking, “Then why do you come out here all the time?”

Zack closes his eyes. If he wasn’t lying down he would shrug. “Because I have nowhere else to go,” he says. He feels a shiver creep up his spine as a small breeze works its way from east to west. “I’m scared, man.”

Billy lets that sentence simmer for a while. Nights alone with Zack aren’t commonplace, but they’re often the most enlightening for the pair of them. Black and blue, so different and yet so alike. “You know, when we were all lined up against Goldar, and he was pushing us into that pit, I was thinking of you guys. But I was also thinking of my mom,” Billy says.

“Yeah, me too,” Zack admits.

“And we’re not exactly the same, our situations I mean. Like you’re scared of losing your mom and I’m scared of my mom losing me. But I’m just saying I get scared too, and that’s okay because it means what you have is worth something,” Billy says. “My dad died eight years ago, and I always wish that he was here longer, but at the same time, I’m happy that he was here as long as he was, because it could have been a lot shorter, you know?”

It feels like someone lit a match and dropped it down Zack’s throat.

“Eight years ago today?” Zack asks, because Billy isn’t one for approximations.

“Yeah,” Billy says.

Zack turns to look at him, but he doesn’t look back, he just keeps staring at the stars. “I’m sorry Billy.”

“It was the worst thing that ever happened to me,” Billy says, “And for a long time I didn’t know how to deal with it. But time keeps moving you know? And eventually I found things—I found people who made it easier,” he finishes.

Zack turns to the stars and wipes a hand across his cheek. Having people who make it easier is a first for him, and he supposes it’s a first for Billy too.

 

  


~~

 

  


Jason 7:44 am

_Take the day off guys, my sister has a swim meet today and I missed the last two. I gotta win back some big brother points_

…

  


“Boss man’s giving us a free day,” Trini whispers, setting her phone back on the nightstand.

“Hm?” Kim turns her head slightly, eyes still closed.

Trini smiles and presses her lips to Kim’s forehead. “No training,” she says.

“Thank God,” Kim says, shifting to lie on her back without opening her eyes, “Now I don’t have to come up with an excuse to skip.”

Trini lies on her side, propping herself up with an elbow as she readjusts Kim’s comforter over the two of them. It’s way too warm to sleep with a comforter at this point in the year, but to Trini the sense of safety outweighs the heat.

Kim feels the eyes on her, and finally opens her own. “Trin?”

Trini brushes a thumb over Kim’s brow and her fingers slide through her hair. “How are you feeling?” She asks.

Kim smiles, or tries to. “Better,” she says.

“Hm, for some reason I don’t believe dinner with your parents made you feel _better_ ,” Trini says.

“No,” Kim admits, “But waking up next to you did.”

“Nice try, Kimmy,” Trini says, pushing away the butterflies. She taps Kim’s temple softly with the pad of her finger. “What’s going on in there?”

A sigh falls out of Kim’s mouth as her hand reaches up to cover Trini’s. She tugs it away, linking their fingers and resting them on her stomach. Her eyes close for a second too long before she looks at Trini again. “I don’t know how to explain it,” she says.

Trini is about to kiss her but the familiar sound of footsteps on the stairs stops her. In one quick motion she rolls away from Kim, catches herself on the floor, and slides under the bed. The knock comes just as Trini slips out of view.

“Yeah?” Kim says. She spies Trini’s shoes on the floor by her window and her heart leaps into her throat.

Kim’s mother opens the door. “Just wanted to make sure you’re up. Sleeping late every day isn’t going to help anything,” she says.

“Mom, it’s not even eight yet and it’s the first day of summer. Can you back off a little?” Kim says. She doesn’t want to be snappy, she knows she’s better than that, but Trini’s shoes are practically glowing and she needs her mother to leave.

“I’m just trying to look out for you, you know,” she turns to leave but doesn’t shut the door. Kim hears a mumbled, “you could show a little appreciation,” as her mom walks down the stairs and it makes her want to scream.

She rips her covers off and has to stop herself from slamming the door when she closes it. When she turns around Trini is sitting on the floor, leaning against Kim’s bed. Trini lifts her eyebrows, trying to ask a question without words.

“I’m fine,” Kim responds, “I thought she was going to see your shoes.” She motions to the yellow sneakers by the window.

Trini’s eyes follow Kim’s finger. “Yeah, not my smartest move,” she says as she slides them under the bed.

“I don’t want you think I’m—I don’t know, ashamed or anything. I’m not. It’s just—I don’t need them—”

“Kim, relax,” Trini interrupts her. “It’s not like I’m racing to tell my parents either.”

The back of Kim’s head hits the door as she leans back and takes a deep breath. She feels the familiar sting in the back of her throat but she doesn’t cry, she just breathes. In. Out. The sound of Trini’s hand tapping the floor next to her brings Kim out of her head, and she locks the door behind her before the magnet that is Trini pulls Kim down beside her. Their hands find each other and Kim holds them in her lap.

“My mom has this idea in her head of what my problems are and how I can fix them…how she can fix them,” she corrects. “But she never actually listens to me when I try to tell her what’s happening. I think it’s because she knows that if she really listens, she’ll realize there’s nothing she can do. That I’m just broken.”

“You’re not broken,” Trini says, willing every force in the universe to make Kim listen to her.

“I know you want to believe that—”

“I believe it because it’s true, Kim,” Trini squeezes her hand.

There’s nothing Kim can do except bring her knees up and rest her forehead on them. She holds Trini’s hand in the cave she’s created with her body and hates herself more and more with each passing second. _Selfish, selfish, selfish,_ she thinks.

“How long until your mom realizes you’re not home?” Kim asks.

“I don’t have to go if you don’t want me to.”

Kim lifts her head to look at Trini. “That didn’t answer the question,” she says.

They play an inaudible game of chicken before Trini caves. “Not long,” she admits.

“You should go,” Kim says as she lets go of Trini’s hand. She moves to get up but Trini uses her newly freed hand to brush Kim’s hair behind her ear. The touch is slow, gentle, but it holds Kim in place.

“Meet me at the mine later, yeah?” Trini says.

Kim nods silently. Trini kisses her, and with it tries to say everything she doesn’t have words for, but when she pulls back and sees the fog in Kim’s eyes, she knows it didn’t work.

 

  


~~

 

  


Kimberly takes a long shower that morning, thinking about what she could possibly say to Trini. She rehearses several scenarios in her head and isn’t happy with any of them. Her stomach coils. The nagging voice in her head that hasn’t left her alone for weeks tells her she doesn’t deserve any of the good things she has right now. Kim wipes the fog from her bathroom mirror and stares at herself, a habit she picked up sophomore year.

This wasn’t supposed to happen anymore. She changed. She was chosen for a higher purpose, she found a new family, and she worked so hard to be better than the person she used to be but—but still she couldn’t help the hopelessness, the exhaustion, the guilt. Kim thought, perhaps naively, that becoming a Ranger would fix all the problems in her head.

Guess not.

She grabs her t-shirt and leaves the bathroom, pulling it on as she walks down the hall and into her room. She barely has the shirt over her chest before a banging on her window makes her jump out of her skin.

“Jesus, Zack. What’s going on?” She opens her sliding glass door for him.

“Have you seen my socks?” Zack pants, he must have sprinted here.

“Your what?”

“My socks, the ones with the stars on them. I think I left them here after movie night,” Zack explains, wiping dirt off his jeans. Kim can only imagine where it came from.

“Zack, we haven’t had movie night at my house in months,” Kim thinks back to the night she kissed Trini for the first time.

“I know but I checked everywhere else, they’ve got to be here. They’ve got to be,” Zack says anxiously.

Kim reads his body language, his fidgety hands and darting eyes, but she has too many questions. “It took you all this time to realize you lost one pair of socks?”

“I haven’t needed them until now.”

“What, did all your other pairs suddenly get holes in them?”

Zack grabs onto her arms with a desperation she’s never seen in him before. “This is important, okay? Just—” he sees the grimace on Kim’s face and realizes he’s squeezing her. Hard. His grip evaporates and he takes a step back, dragging his fingers through his hair. “Have you seen them?” He asks.

Kim has never seen someone so anxious about a pair of socks, but despite the oddity of the situation she reaches a hand out to touch his arm. “If you’ve checked everywhere else I’m sure they’re around here somewhere. But my parents are home so you might want to come in the front door,” she says softly.

Zack nods, and without another word hops down from her balcony. She meets him on the first floor and they pass her mother in the living room.

“Hey mom, have you seen Zack’s socks by any chance? He left them here a while ago—”

“They’re black with white stars on them,” Zack interrupts.

Kim’s mother considers for a moment. “If I did I probably thought they were yours, Kim,” she says. “Check your room.”

The kids turn towards the stairs but before they get there Kimberly’s mother calls out, “Nice to see you again, Zack!” Followed closely by, “Open door policy!”

Kim freezes on the second step. “Mom, he’s not—I’m—” _ugh whatever_ “Okay!” She says with a fake smile.

“Your mom’s funny,” Zack says when they get back into Kim’s room, door open as promised.

“Hilarious,” Kim deadpans.

They’re digging through Kim’s drawers and normally she would be more embarrassed about Zack seeing her bras but right now it honestly looks like he doesn’t notice them.

“Oh,” Kim pulls a pair of socks out from the back of her bottom drawer, “These ones?” She holds them up. They must have gotten thrown in with her laundry, she didn’t even notice.

“Yes!” Zack rips them out of her hand. Kim realizes he’s been barefoot under his shoes as he kicks them off and slides the socks over his feet, sighing as he leans against the wall and sinks to the ground. He props his elbows on his knees and his head falls into his hands. He deflates. His chest starts heaving erratically but silently, and Kim recognizes it as the effort to keep oneself from crying. She closes her bedroom door quietly enough to where her mother won’t hear, and takes a seat next to him against the wall. Her hand rubs back and forth between his shoulders. And she waits.

Minutes pass, and Kim can feel the tension slowly leave his back with each passing breath. She watches his toes clench and then relax on the carpet over and over again like a mantra until finally, finally they stop.

“Want to tell me about the socks?” She says when she feels his breathing slow down.

Zack lifts his head out of his hands, glancing at Kim before focusing on a spot across the room. He does want to tell her, but it hurts. He takes his time.

“My mom’s been sick for a long time now,” he starts, “But at the beginning it was really bad. We didn’t know what was wrong with her, so we spent all our money on doctor’s visits and consultations before they told us the only thing we could do was go through hundred-thousand dollar treatments that were experimental at best, or we could take some pills that would slow it down, but not stop it. And well, you’ve seen my house. We’re not exactly rolling in it,” Zack says.

Kim’s hair is still wet from the shower, and drips onto her shirt several times before Zack continues. He has never told this story out loud before, only because he never had anybody to tell it to, not until he became a Ranger. And even then, stories about him and his mother were few and far between. It was childish, maybe, but a small part of Zack believed that if he let the memories go they would fade faster. He is a little kid, holding a firefly in a jar and hoping to God the light won’t go out.

“We used up what we had left for her meds,” Zack says, “She got a little better and then she got a little worse, and by the time my birthday rolled around it was so bad she didn’t talk. I wasn’t expecting any gifts. We had no money and my mom could hardly move, but somehow—somehow,” Zack’s throat stings.

“She got you the socks,” Kim finishes for him.

Zack nods. “She must have been hanging on to them for a while because she hadn’t left her bed in weeks. It had been so long since I had seen her smile, but she did when she gave them to me. So I put them on and—and I know it had nothing to do with the socks but… she started getting better,” he says, “so now every time I don’t think she’s going to make it I put the them on. I know it’s stupid but—”

“No, Zack. It’s not stupid,” Kimberly stops him. She puts a hand on his shoulder and squeezes.

“I’ve been looking for them all night,” Zack admits.

Kim’s eyes widen. “Zack, is your mom—”

Zack clamps his eyes shut and shakes his head. He breaks. “I know it’s—I know it’s going to happen soon I just—I can’t do this. I’m not ready, Kim, I’m not.”

Kimberly can’t see his face but she hears the tears in his voice. She throws her arm around his shoulders and takes his hand in hers.

“I don’t think you can ever be ready,” Kim says.

She lets Zack fall apart next to her. Her hand runs up and down his arm and her head falls onto his shoulder. It’s all she can do to let him know he’s not alone.

It takes some time but eventually he stills.

“Hey, come on, stand up,” Kimberly says, getting up and offering a hand. “I’ll drive you home, we can check on your mom and then you can get some sleep.”

Zack takes her hand and pulls himself up. He only nods.

..

Kim waits in the kitchen while Zack checks on his mother. In the meantime she sneaks a few cans of food from her bag into his cupboard. When he finally comes back out Kim really sees him for the first time, drooped shoulders, slow breathing, with bags under his eyes. He’s exhausted.

“She’s okay, she’s sleeping,” he says quietly, almost whispers.

Kim takes two quick steps forward and wraps her arms tightly around his waist. He returns the hug with the same ferocity and they sway back and forth just enough to keep them grounded.

“You should get some sleep,” Kim suggests.

Zack pulls away from the hug and nods.

“Text us if anything changes,” she says.

“I will.”

Kim starts for the door but Zack’s voice stops her. “Hey, Kim.” She turns. “Thank you.”

 

  


~~

 

  


When Trini reaches the cliff she’s surprised to find Kim already there, her pink tank top a sharp contrast to the gray around her. The sun is high in the sky, and as she gets closer Trini can see sweat shining on Kim’s shoulders. Kim smiles before she turns. The sound of Trini’s sneakers scuffing the ground give her away before she sets her bag down and takes a seat.

“Have you been here long?” Trini asks.

“Yeah, actually,” Kim explains what happened with Zack. Not with too much detail, because she knows he’d rather it come from him, but just enough to let Trini know why she was here so early.

“Everything’s so messed up,” Trini says.

“Yeah,” Kim replies. Their feet dangle off the edge, and every so often their sneakers bounce against each other. “So why’d you ask me here?” Kim says.

“Besides the fact that we’re dating and I like spending time with you?” Trini asks. Kim nudges her with her shoulder and Trini smiles before pulling a slightly more serious tone. “This morning it seemed like you had more to say and I wanted to give you the chance to say it. You know, somewhere we won’t get interrupted. Somewhere we feel safe,” Trini says.

Kim smiles softly, because although it sounds crazy that the edge of a cliff is safe place for them she knows it’s true.

“But when I got home I realized I’m kind of a huge hypocrite,” Trini continues.

Kim turns to her. Her legs stop swinging. “What?”

“I keep telling you I’m here if you need to talk but—I haven’t been telling you anything,” Trini admits.

Kimberly can only stare. It feels like Trini just ripped her locker door off again.

“Trin, what—”

“I haven’t been sleeping,” Trini interrupts. “I told you a while ago that the nightmare I had at your house all that time ago was the last one, but it wasn’t. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even fall asleep in my room anymore. I’ve washed my sheets a hundred times but they still smell like salt water.”

“That’s why—” Kim wants to slap herself, “That’s why you’ve been coming over more often,” she says softly.

Early on it was special, it was once a week and sometimes less. Kim remembers how it used to feel like they were breaking the rules every time Trini slid into her bed late at night. Now it’s become so routine that she forgets they technically still are breaking the rules. Kim can’t remember when it changed but now she wakes up next to Trini four out of seven days. And she was so happy she didn’t even question why.

“Yeah,” Trini says, “I realized being with you helps sometimes.”

“Sometimes?”

Trini shrugs. “Other times I just kind of lay down and wait for you to wake up.”

Kim’s chin falls toward her chest as unwelcome thoughts invade her brain. “Do you still have nightmares when you’re with me?” Kim asks.

“The few times I actually sleep?” Trini says, “Yeah, every once in a while.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know, I couldn’t hear—” Kim says.

“It’s not your fault. I’ve gotten better at hiding it,” Trini tries to reassure her but it has the opposite effect. “I don’t lose my breath when I wake up anymore, and I don’t cry. I can’t stop the emotions though, and I was afraid you would feel them too.”

“What, the panic, grief, and hopelessness?” Kim huffs out a sarcastic laugh. “I thought that was just me.”

Trini frowns. “That’s what woke you up the first time though, right? You felt me.”

“Yeah I was—” _not in the middle of a depressive episode at the time_ “really scared that night,” she finishes lamely, somehow stopping herself from jamming her fingers through her eye sockets.

Instead she presses her knuckles into her temples. “Trini I’m so sorry, I should have noticed—”

“No, Kim don’t,” Trini holds Kim’s wrist and pulls her hand away from her head. Kim’s eyes meet hers. “That—that look right there, that’s what I was afraid of when we started this whole thing, the hurt on your face—being the cause of it. And I hate myself for it but I knew—I knew the longer I kept this from you the more it was going to hurt but I did it anyway and that’s my fault, not yours,” Trini says. Her fingers are still wrapped around Kim’s wrist. “I just—” she lets out a breath, “I was never very good at asking for help.”

Kim looks down at their hands, then adjusts them so their fingers interlock. “Yeah, me neither,” she admits.

“And besides, when I do wake up after a bad dream just seeing you next to me, knowing you’re safe, it helps,” Trini says.

“You can stay every night. I mean, if you want to,” Kim offers.

Trini puffs out a laugh. “We’re so going to get caught.” Translation: I want to.

“Probably. But… there are worse things that could happen,” Kim shrugs. Translation: Being with you is all that matters anymore. “So you’ll stay?” She asks.

Trini can’t believe how after all this time they can still make each other so nervous. She blushes, and she can’t believe that either. Her head falls to rest on Kim’s shoulder.

“Yeah, I’ll stay,” she says. Low in her gut she feels a mixture of childish excitement and warm content, and she can’t tell if it’s hers or Kimberly’s. Probably both.

Kim presses a kiss to Trini’s dark hair and she can’t help but smile against her head. She turns, and they spend a few quiet moments simply resting against each other, hand in hand. Kimberly’s eyes fall closed. _This could all be so perfect, if only I wasn’t so messed up,_ she thinks.

“Shh,” Trini’s voice cuts through the fog. Her free hand traces small circles on Kim’s knee.

“I didn’t say anything,” Kim says, confused.

“In your head,” Trini says. She lifts up so they can look at each other. “I can feel you, Kim. This is a two way street,” she explains.

Kim’s blood turns to ice. “What—what exactly do you feel?”

Kim has never felt so stupid. Of course Trini can feel her, what made her think she couldn’t? What made her think she could lie to her face and get away with it? _Selfish… Selfish…_ The thought of putting Trini through this mess when she has so much of her own stuff to deal with makes Kim want to hurl. A familiar thought forces its way to the front of Kim’s mind: I’m not good for her.

“It feels a lot like drowning,” Trini says quietly. “Maybe more like quicksand. Like you’re trying to pull yourself up but everything you grab onto dissolves. And I know it’s hurting you a thousand times more than it’s hurting me—”

Kim lets go of Trini’s hand. She feels the sting in the back of her throat and this time she’s not sure she’ll be able to stop what follows. “I’m sorry—I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I—Trin you shouldn’t have to deal with this—with me—”

“Kim just shut up for a second!” Trini interrupts with such intensity that Kim can’t help but obey.

Kim holds her breath for as long as she can, waiting for Trini to say something, anything. But the silence drags on for too long and Kim is forced to let go as she sucks air back into her lungs.

“Do the boys…?” Kim wonders.

Trini sighs. “Yeah. We wanted to wait until you were ready,” her voice sounds hoarse.

“Ready for what?” Kim snaps. “To tell you guys I’m depressed? That I’m the reason we couldn’t morph for so long? That I’m selfish and I’ve been—clinging to you guys like some sort of lifeline when I know I only make things worse? That I don’t deserve any of this? That you guys should forget about me before I make you bitter and—and angry and empty?” Her chest is heaving, she doesn’t know when she started crying but she doesn’t think she can stop. “I’m a disease, Trini. I ruin everything I touch.”

Kim can’t bear to look at her, she doesn’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes so instead she stares down to the bottom of the cliff. She can’t stop her chest from shaking or the water coming out of her eyes, no matter how many times she wipes her fingers across her cheeks. She hasn’t cried in so long she forgot how good it feels, how horribly cathartic. It’s disgusting. She hears her own sobs echoing off the cliff face and it makes her sick.

Part of her wants Trini to leave, just get it over with so she can fall apart without witnesses. (She didn’t realize it until after her fall from grace, but Kimberly hates an audience.) The other part of her wants to grab onto Trini and never let go, wants to sit in her lap, wrap her arms around her and cry into her neck. She wants Trini to hold her and rub her back and tell her everything’s going to be okay. But that’s unrealistic. And a lie.

“I’m sorry,” she hears Trini say. Kim knows what’s coming, knows this is all too much for Trini to handle and she doesn’t blame her.

“It’s okay,” she forces out. “I understand—you don’t have to—” she chokes on the end of her sentence, because even though she knows it over, even though she’s known this was the inevitable conclusion, it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

But suddenly Trini’s arms latch around Kim’s middle, and she’s falling. Her mind goes blank until the water wakes her up, the force of the impact startling all the tears out of her. When she resurfaces, she finds Trini floating several feet away.

“What the hell, Trini?” Kim tries to yell but she’s so out breath she barely gets the words out.

“I didn’t have a bucket of ice water handy so I had to improvise,” she says, swinging her arms back and forth below the surface to keep herself afloat.

“I was kind of pouring my heart out there,” Kim says. “Thanks for ruining it.”

Trini moves closer to her, but not close enough to touch. Not yet.

“Look,” Trini starts, “A long time ago I was standing on that cliff and I was ready to run away, ready to save myself the trouble and honestly, ready to save you guys from ever having to get to know me. But your conniving ass dragged me down here anyway and that’s—that’s kind of the first time I felt like somebody actually wanted me around. So that was me… trying to return the favor,” she says.

Half of Kim’s brain is focused on treading water but the other half is trying to catalog every word Trini just said, because she wants to believe it. Even if it was a lie, it was a beautiful one.

“You… still want me around?” She asks, because she has to know for sure.

“Of course, dummy. You’re kind of the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Trini admits.

“But I—I know I’m a lot to handle. My brain—”

“Sucks at being a brain, yeah,” Trini says, “And sometimes it doesn’t let you enjoy things like you should, and sometimes it makes you feel worthless and sometimes it drains every ounce of energy in your body, and I know that I can’t fix that but—that doesn’t change how I feel. Remember what I said? I’m always going to be there.”

Kim closes the distance between them. There’s still a huge mountain of ugly feelings in her gut, it’s foolish to think one pep talk can get rid of them, but next to it there’s a pebble of hope.

“And I don’t want you to be worried about what I feel, okay? Because none of this is your fault,” Trini continues, quieter now that they’re so close. “And maybe—I don’t know maybe since I can feel a little of it too it’ll help me understand you better. So I can be whatever you need me to be.”

Kim gets close enough to rest her forehead against Trini’s, but she knows they’re going to need solid footing if she’s going to be able to do what she wants to do.

“Up or down?” She asks.

It takes Trini a second to catch on but when she does she decides on “up.” They climb the cliff face with little effort and when they reach the top, Kim wipes her hands on her damp jeans, leaving lines of dirt across her thighs. She moves a piece of Trini’s hair behind her ear and can already feel the sun warming it up. Her thumb brushes across Trini’s cheek and her fingertips graze the tiny hairs on the back of her neck. Trini has always been a magnet, and Kim has always been made of metal. She isn’t sure if Trini pulls her close or if she moves there automatically, but soon their foreheads touch.

Kim closes her eyes and wonders if Trini can feel her nerves before she says, “I love you.”

 “Yeah?” Trini says. It makes Kim peel back ever so slightly and open her eyes. When she sees the enormous smile in front of her a similar one appears on her lips.

“Yeah,” she confirms.

“I love you too,” Trini says.

Kim can’t describe the feeling in her chest, she only knows she doesn’t want it to stop. Her brain is silent for the first time in weeks, so she does the only thing she can think of. She kisses her girlfriend. If she was foggy this morning she is completely clear now, feeling a fire start in her stomach and spread head to toe. When they pull away she’s gasping.

“Hey,” she breathes, “from now on, will you wake me when you have a nightmare?” She asks.

“Only if you never try to tell me you have the flu,” Trini responds.

Kim laughs, wrapping her arms around Trini’s neck. “Deal.”

 

 


End file.
